Happy Ugly Bird Day

P. 94  11/26/09

Some people refer to Thanksgiving as T-Day for short, or Turkey Day, to be clever. If I were these people though, I’d think twice about paying homage to the turkey. Like any other non-vegetarian Thanksgiving-goer, I like to eat my share of turkey. But one of the reasons I enjoy it so much is because I give thanks for this bird being dead.

The turkey is definitely one of the ugliest birds out there. So thank goodness it is dead and we are consuming it. I don’t need to see these birds living in the wilderness. They are ugly birds, so it is a good thing we decided to go with this selection to kill and eat on Thanksgiving.

While I’m on the subject of ugly birds, I will tell you that the turkey is not the only nasty-looking bird out there. Oh no, believe me, there are plenty of other disturbing birds out there. I don’t want to completely ruin your appetite today, so I will only provide you with a couple other examples.

Take the pelican. This prehistoric beast has the most intimidating mouth around (that’s what she said). Sure, this bird can seem graceful as it glides near the water looking for fish, but once it opens its mouth, you’ve got another creature you’re dealing with. This freak has an enormous mouth for fishing and you don’t want to get near one. (Check out this highly disturbing website for some truly gross pictures of the pelican’s disturbing beak.)

Last, but surely not least is the owl. For a while now, I have thought the owl is one of the scariest birds out there. Sure, owls have been made to be cute and a “cool, hip” symbol, but I tell you they are scary. Those big eyes staring you down, the curled, snappy beak, and that haunting pose of theirs where they basically just look like they are out to get you. And when they just happen to be ready to scare you they sure put on a display. (And by display, I mean terrifying freak show.) You are being forewarned, that you may want to hide your children and overt your eyes. What you are about to see, may give you nightmares…..

Sorry kids, I had to.

So on this holiday, when you sit down to chow on some turkey, don’t forget you are doing the world a wonderful service by ridding the land of such a foul foul. Nobody should have to look at such awful-looking birds. -Unless they are dead, on a plate, and covered in gravy and cranberry sauce, and stuffing. Then, by all means, forget these pictures and gobble away!

Ugly Shoe 5

This edition of The Ugly Shoe is truly a sight for sore eyes. If the last Ugly Shoe post was not enough to convince you that colored snake skin is a bad idea, then wait till you see today’s shoe. This sad shoe is pink snake skin and frankly, looks like a piece of trash. Dying snake skin orange is pretty bad already, but now let’s see it in pink…  (Big mistake.)

 

Penny Loves Kenny Peep Toe Reptile Flat, $24.94

The crumply material and style makes it look like a snake’s molted skin turned into a shoe. Yuck. The color doesn’t help this creation at all. Also, those weird little studs on the heel? I don’t know if that’s for decoration or for people to stay far back from you when you wear these shoes. (Back up! I’ve got gross things on my feet!) 

Try as I might, I can not imagine these shoes looking good with any outfit or working in any situation. You could wear these to work at a landfill, but the open toed style would not accommodate. Really, these should just be trashed. And with the price of this shoe only being about $25, there’s no hard feelings destroying these.

Ugly Shoe 4

We’re traveling back in time for this edition of our Ugly Shoe. We’re taking it back to the 1970s, but we’ve accidentally tripped in the 80’s or something. Something went horribly wrong with this shoe. The intention probably started out as a 70s looking lace-up platform, which although is terribly out of date, at least is a legit type of shoe. But then someone had the idea to put in a peep toe, use a bizarrely narrow heel, and don’t even get me started on the color/print…

 

Penny Loves Kenny Zen Reptile Peep Toe Oxford, $49.94

…(Too late.) The unfortunate material this shoe is made of is a snake skin gone wrong. It’s like a rare form of some Halloween Snake has been skinned. Whoever had the bright idea (literally! ha) to make an orange shoe, was not thinking right. When was the last time the combination of orange and snake skin worked well together?

 

Bizarrely narrow heel

Granted, the shoe’s color is listed as “Brown” so there might be hope in this not looking like a bad 70s Halloween. But the heel looks like a genuine brown wood color, and the snakeskin sure looks not-the-same-color to me…

But still, the fact that an out-of-date shoe was  used, is a recipe for disaster. Adding the open toe did not help to possibly modernize(?) the look. I can not imagine this shoe looking good with any outfit. 

At least it’s not too expensive so that in the unfortunate case this is ever purchased (and for some awful reason it could not be returned…probably the store wouldn’t want it back), the purchaser wouldn’t feel too terrible for making the purchase. (Actually, I’d just feel bad enough if I wasted my money on these. That would/should be punishment enough.)

Ugly Shoe 3

This folks, might be the shoe that inspired the Ugly Shoe documentation series. It was puke at first site. There is way too much going on in this shoe to make it appealing.

You’ve got the assorted small confetti-like flowers drowning in peanut butter Tan, and an odd ruffled purple ribbon that adorns the foot opening, and an odd, pink painted cork heel. The heel itself, is enough to make you want to completely trash this creation.  I’m not sure if the flowery patterned fabric could stand on its own, but I’m leaning towards no. The purple and pink details also don’t help this atrocity, because those colors are not actually found in the patterned fabric. Also, this open-toe design probably is even more unnecessary detail that does not help this shoe. (Especially if you assume that most people who wear sandals or other open-toed shoes, choose to paint their toenails. That’s ok, but the extra color added to this shoe would add to it’s ugliness.

Poetic Licence Saucy Platform Pump, $99.95

(another view)

 

 Even for DSW, the price is a steep almost $100. I’m hoping the high price (among other things) help contribute to making people not want to buy this product fail. I also question why this is referred to as a “Platform” style. Is it just me, or is this more along what you think of, when you hear the term Platform Shoe:

 

Yes, those are Game Boys in the platforms!

Or, the more tame version of a Platform

Any way you look at it, the “Saucy Platform Pump” is full of all things wrong. The only sauce this shoe has, is a generous helping of Ugly Sauce.

Ugly Shoe 2

Today’s Ugly Shoe would not let me go when I discovered it.  Its hopes of normalcy are crushed miserably by the nylon sock that seems to be attached to a perfectly fine black sandal. The lower half of this shoe is made of black leather and looks like your standard sandal shoe, with an open toe style. As your eye moves up to the back heel area though, you become sucked into a vortex black hole of a stiff, cushiony sock-monster thing.

 

Cindy Pyramid Stretch Demi Wedge, $139.95

I’d suggest this shoe would best be appropriate for a fancy ball in 1980s outer space, and paired with a big, poofy black dress with shoulder pads. Another place it could be worn it a formal party in a swamp. Take your pick. (Please don’t pay this price of over $100!)

Ugly Shoe 1

I recently joined the DSW (Dallas Shoe Warehouse) Rewards program because let’s face it, I’m a girl and I like to shop for shoes. So I periodically get emails from DSW about sales and such. Through my many online searches, I have come to discover a lot of really ugly shoes are out there in the market. I think I am going to start pointing out these atrocities to the public, so you will know to steer clear of these “hot messes.” I am aware that there are quite a few questionable footwear choices, such as the Straight Jacket Shoe or the Cobbler’s First Attempt at Making A Shoe, but I will try to weed out the mere ugly from the appalling, hideous, and the re-possessed. 

The first shoe I am alerting you to, is this:

 

CL by Laundry Actress Fabric Ballet Flat in Tan

The color is described as “tan,” but I would venture to call it, “puke.” This would be a good shoe to wear if you’re going out for a wild night of drinking, ending in a lot of throwing up. That way, if/when you barf on yourself, you don’t have to worry about ruining your shoes! Great call!

Sorry, fashion designers. Sometimes you fail.

Ugliest Hockey Uniform

So over the weekend or so, the Montreal Canadiens unveiled a uniform that takes you back to the team’s look when they first began as a hockey team. The uniforms might just be the weirdest and ugliest, clown-like outfits I’ve ever seen on a pro-hockey team.

Anyways, the team brought back this absurd look in honor of their early team uniforms. Apparently the real name of these uniforms is the Barbershop Jersey (I would have guessed this was called Ugly…or Candy Cane.) The “legendary” Barbershop Jersey was worn during the 1912-1913 season (thankfully it was just one season!) Either way, I’d be curious if the Canadiens plan on using this zebra-striped eye-sore for other occasions. The Canadiens’ website has a whole section about their history which granted, is a cool idea – just not the use of the old timey uniforms.

Oh, those crazy Canadiens…